


Goodbye

by LadySorcha



Series: She [1]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-15
Updated: 2012-10-15
Packaged: 2017-11-16 09:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/537762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySorcha/pseuds/LadySorcha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris comes to terms with the knowledge that he's lost Hawke. Sit between the 2 and 3 parts of the game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Main title from the song She- Elvis Costello.
> 
> Chapter title from the song Goodbye- Avril Lavigne.

“Fenris wait up.”

Hawke. I stop and look around. She’s heading towards me holding the Abomination’s hand with Varric on her other side. I bite back a growl.

When she nears me she lets go of his hand. He sighs and glares at me.

“You don’t need to hide that from me. It won’t hurt my feelings that you’ve moved on after what two years. I’d say it’s about time.”

She narrows her eyes at me and they spark dangerously. I wonder how far I can push her before she sends me away. It would make my life easier. No more drama, no more Mages, no more of her trying to save everybody, no more Hawke… Oh who am I kidding? I want her to send me away, because I can’t make myself go.  

“Fine from now on I won’t hide my affections.” She stands there her hands on her hips.

I don’t say anything.

She shrugs. “We’re going to the Bone Pit. I want to make sure the Miners are all right. I don’t trust Hubert. I want to see what they need so I can buy it for them myself. If I give Hubert the money he’ll spend it all on wine and women.”

“If you were going to feel guilty about it why did you take the money he offered you in the first place?”

“I needed the money for the expedition. I needed to help my family. The Miners have families too… Now I’m in a position where I can help them.” 

“Why didn’t you check on them sooner then?” If I keep pushing eventually she’ll send me away. Her kindness towards me can’t last forever not after I left her.

She sighs. “Look I don’t want to argue. I wanted to ask if you’d come with us. Last time we went there was a giant dragon there. If there’s going to be a repeat of that then I’m going to need a Warrior.”

My heart leaps. She still needs me. No. Why doesn’t she hate me? Why does she let me stay?

“Fine.” I force myself to snap it out.

She rolls her eyes. “Ready?”

I nod and she walks back towards the Abomination. She takes his hand and starts off. He says something and she laughs. Varric and I follow them.

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. “Glutton for punishment?”

“Not now Dwarf.”   

**~~~**

We’ve been at the Bone Pit for hours. She’s determined to talk to every single one of the Miners, checking to see if they need anything for the Mines or if their families need anything. I look up at the rapidly darkening sky. At this rate we’ll end up spending the night at the camp.

She always tries to help everyone. She even helps the Abomination in his clinic even though she’s not a Mage. She’s so…good. Caring. How does she do it? Why does she do it?

Even me. She’s still trying to help me find out information about my Sister. I shake my head and can’t stop a small smile from playing across my lips. She’s incredible.

**~~~**

The Miners ply us with stew and ale. We’re all sitting on logs around a fire when a little girl comes up beside her. She stares at Hawke with big eyes and tugs on her sleeve.

Hawke looks at her and smiles. “What is it sweetie?”

“Did you really kill a dragon in the mine?” The child asks in an awed voice.

She bites her lip to keep from laughing at her awestruck expression. “I did with the help of my friends here. What’s your name?”

“Rosie.”

“Well Rosie would you like to hear the story?”

Rosie nods furiously and sits down at her feet starting at her with enraptured eyes.

“Varric care to help me?”

“I thought you’d forgotten I was here and were going to do the honors without me.”

She laughs. “Perish the thought.”

**~~~**

They tell the story with a few added embellishments courtesy of Varric. The entire camp has surrounded them, all eager to hear the story. After a bit she sits down next to the Abomination again taking his hand. Letting Varric finish up, knowing this is his element. He’s probably thrilled to get a new audience. Most of the regulars at the Hanged Man have heard most of his stories.   

When he finishes the crowd starts to disperse, all except for Rosie. She’s standing in front of Hawke again.

“When I grow up I’m going to be just like you.”

Hawke beams at her. “Well I’ll have to come visit you again to see how you’re doing.”

“Really?”

Hawke nods. Rosie squeals and throws her arms around her neck. Hawke’s mouth forms into a small Oh of surprise. She hugs her back with a smile on her face.

“Come meet my Papa and Mama.” She tugs on Hawke’s hand. Hawke stands up and Rosie leads her across the camp by the hand.

She comes back in a few minutes and kneels in front of the Abomination. Her elbows resting on his knees. “I want one.”

I stop breathing and I stare at them. Unable to tear my eyes away from them.

He blinks at her then smiles. “Me too.”

They lean in to kiss, but are interrupted as one of the Miners comes over with extra bedrolls in his arms. Hawke stands up and thanks him.

**~~~**

She shivers and moves closer to the fire. He comes up behind her and drapes his feathered pauldron around her shoulders. She smiles up at him and takes his hand. She holds it to her cheek and gazes at him. Love in her eyes. He leans down and kisses her nose, causing her to blush. He laughs and sits down beside her. He wraps an arm around her. She leans into him and rests her head on his shoulder.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest. I fight to breathe even as my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest.

I know they’re together. That they’re living together.  I’ve just never seen them like this. Looking at each other with tenderness. Love. She seems so at ease around him. Simply melting against him. Her eyes hazy with comfort and desire. She whispers something in his ear and he turns to her. Leaning his forehead against hers.

I turn away. I don’t think I could stand to see his lips on hers.

Not when the memory of her lips on mine still lingers in my mind. The feel of her body. Her hair tickling my skin. Her face when I left. Tears falling and pain in her eyes. Curled in the middle of her bed. Her hand holding my arm. I shook it off and left. Her teary voice calling for me. It followed me all the way home. It lingered for days. I didn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face like the image was etched onto my eyelids.

Her red eyes and swollen face the next day. Her fragile attempts to smile and make jokes. The glares everyone threw my way. I shrugged them off, pretending indifference. Knowing I could never be with her. Not after the memories rushed into my mind and for one blissful minute I remembered everything. Laughter, love, family, joy, even pain. Then just as quickly it was ripped away from me again. Reopening old wounds that I thought had healed, but really they had just scabbed over. They started to bleed.  

She was offering me everything I lost. Everything I wanted. I couldn’t risk it. Losing everything again. Losing her. To really feel again. Happiness. Smiles. Love. Yet here I am losing everything. Except this time I know it’s my fault. She waited two years for me to come back.

I look back. My eyes drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Their lips meeting. Her arms twined around his neck. One of his hands resting on the small of her back, the other wrapped in her hair.

My heart shatters. 

Perhaps it’s fitting. I broke her heart now mine is breaking.       

Varric comes and stands beside me. He looks at me with a hint of pity in his eyes. “I’d tell you that you brought this on yourself, but you seem to know that.”

I snarl, but he’s right. I’ve told myself this enough times.

“Personally I’m surprised you’re taking it so well. I figured you would have already crushed Blondie’s heart. Though that would in effect crush Hawke’s. Then I’d have to kill you for doing that to her twice. Well…that is if she didn’t get to you first.”

I sigh and slouch down lower. Trying to keep my eyes off them, but my eyes are as ever drawn back to her. Now he’s holding her in his lap. Whatever he’s saying makes her giggle. I jerk my eyes away and look at the ground. I took her heart. She gave me her heart and I threw it back, worse for wear. Who am I to hurt her like that? To hurt the one person who truly cared about me and tried to help me. Who still tries to help me even after everything I did. Everything I’m still doing. My constant halfhearted attempts to get her to push me away.

I want to help her too. I owe her at least that. I’ll keep my vow to repay her for all her help. I want…need to protect her. To know she’ll be ok. “You don’t have to worry. As long as he makes her happy I’ll leave him alone. I took her smile and he gave it back.”

I stand and walk away leaving a stunned Dwarf standing behind me. On any other day I’d take pleasure in finally shocking the Dwarf. I’d relish in the small victory. Just not today. Not when I know I’ve finally lost her for good.  

Two years she waited. Two years she came to me. Two years she tried. Two years she sought me out. Two years she refused his advances. Two years the light was gone from her eyes. Two years the smile was stripped from her face. Two years she offered herself to me. Two years I ran.

Now she no longer seeks me out. She goes to him. The light is back. The smile is back. I’ll never have her again.

Now it’s too late.

I have to let her go.

I have to let her live her life.

I have to try to be her friend.

I have to stay by her side.

I have to make sure no one does what I did.

I have to say goodbye.

 


End file.
